HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHH Good morning and FML twice

Got up , went to hit the GYM … AGAIN , because this and slots of alcohol is my therapy and it gives me more confidence , something that I am truly lacking this time. Got back…. ARE YOUR REEAAADDYYY ( COW BELL ) , straight blonde is together with straight man…..

HAHHAHAHHAHHAHA Hy Ho … Let’s go ( jump without parachute into a pile of dicks). I sort of dropped my phone in my hotelroom , layed on the floor hyperventilating and BALLED MY EYEBALLS out , I cried so hard , my Hotelfloor got evacuated due to heavy salty flooding. I could feel my heart ( or what is left ) everywhere in my body , pounding to get out and get this over with. Knocking on my muscles and asking WTF is happening and why its is being taered apart. I think for sure it is less painful joining fight club without safe word and without fighting back. And please do continue while I am loosing lots of blood, I am ok , just keep on going , this is ok. This is pure massage compared to how I feel right now.

Called my sister , poor little lesbian cat got like heavily dumped 2 months ago on Christmas night because her girlfriend cheated on her with a yellow teeth smoke addicted barracuda?! What are the odds that both of us are fucked over by women at the same time ? We had our shit together 6 months ago and now…. now we are both standing on top of that mountain looking down and wondering if it really would hurt that much.

The door is closed , that’s what makes me waterfall. Whatever hope was left, is swiped with one sentence. “Dick and I are doing ‘ GOOD'”. You know what , go to the nearest f* pound and get some water. Basically on paper … I was not good enough. It is hard but that’s what this means right ? I opened up on Valentine , pulled my wrecked peach heart out , gave it to her and she ‘politely’ gave it back. But thank you for the sex..

Please and thanks..

How do you stand up and go to work after this: You simply manually force your chin facing up , you drink 4L coffee , you play OK from Robin Schultz again , you text all your friends , you put the news on and realize you are a village idiot because there are people dying every day and you act like a drunk teenager. My sister is younger and had less drama in her life than I but you know what she said… “Life is too short to grieve over this stupid broken love affair”. SHE IS MORE THAN RIGHT. My rock!

Now GET UP and find your shit tall EU, you are a lesbian catch worth fighting for!

Scooooore

Jaaaaa it doesn’t feel amazing.. I can say it hurst a little bit . Like I am standing in a Hockey goal , without any teeth left after 5562 hits and still can’t move my skates. Just letting the puck firing towards me again and again , maybe I will loose an eye now , fingers crossed.

In Toronto right now for work , and you would think , being gone for a week , visiting my friend here , meeting new people on the job , stuffing my face with comfort food , ranting to my friend about life and how it is treating us… you would forget about her. Well not being naive but you would forget about her a little bit more. I think that is true in a certain amount. Until you are alone , until you hear stupid songs that connects you with her , everytime your phones lights up , ever first sip of my wine…. every 5min that is :p.

You know what helps ? THE OLYMPICS!! Honestly, what kind of marginal stuffed poultry am I ? Those gents are training 4 years straight with only one goal!! Forget lovers , forget amazing sex , forget getting lit on Tuesday work nights , forget cheesies stick between your teeth while binge watching grey’s anatomy. Humans can be so strong , and I am balling over a big straight mum who has more interest in male genitales than bees are in for honey ? It shows how much willpower a human can have , so somewhere THIS IS BULLSBALLS what I am enduring and can I have my shit back together so I can smile back without loosing any teeth?

Why are we born this weak ? While I am typing she probably has 66 balls in her face and I am losing precious bloodcells and growing more grey hairs than horny fish blow bubbles!

You know what humanity needs ? Heartbroken capsules!! Like in space , sedate the shit out of us , take us down as long as it takes and wake us up when we are ready and sexy , … not looking like the last shitfaced Dorito in the bag.

 

I am getting stronger ?!! :p

 

I got played!

So.. when you are so lucky to be born as a human you know you are going to make some mistakes right ? And you see friends making mistakes so you are there for them and give them the right feedback and actually somewhere along the line you feel good about yourself because you know better and you know you are not EVER going to make that mistake.

OR you watch those silly romantic/single-Bridget movies about women making those mistakes and you think: you lost Canadian goose , I would never…

AND THEN YOU STILL MAKE THEM DON’T YA

Listen to this ,as a 30year old I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS STUPID OR NAÏVE , and I am stupid and naïve all the time. Who thinks it is a splendid 5*** idea to hook up with a straight mum WHO IS ALSO hooking up with another guy , when she is secretly falling for that guy but HY you are deaf dumb AF with 16goggles on so what do you care…. THIS EU IDIOT.

I dumped her on Valentine!! Went to a concert , was all good , don’t want to think about it anymore. Went to my car , had pizza in the car  , and I just said it … at least I have my own honesty.

Said it was hard not falling for her ( Maria Jozef on a sandwich I fell for her the first time we kissed in October ) and that I couldn’t do this anymore because I knew she would never be mine.

Anyway , after half dying for 2 days I needed to RANT about this to someone , SO I shared my embarrassing story to a 17year old and guess what … She is the only one who opened my eyes and slapped me in the face. I GOT PLAYED! Like in the music videos but then more painful; less golden necklaces, more live and more stupid. She basically summed it all up and told me that that woman ain’t right , is totally f*up and used me. SO now hahaha , after being heartbroken I am a mad squirrel on meth. Ready for lesbian squirrel war and I might win it too. I feel soooooo stupid and angry now.

The worst part is .. her ex-husband cheated on her for years… does that rectify this all ? No it doesn’t , it makes it even worse! How can you do this from woman to woman.

What’s happening now?

… now I am going to lock myself up like the hunchback in the nearest church tower and smack the bell 325 against the grey pudding people call brains , but I can’t call mine like that.

What’s happening now?  I am working out 4times a week so I will look like a slow motion Baywatch doodle with teeth so white that people need eclipse glasses when I smile.

What’s happening now is that I will overbook myself and post the most stupid –I am having a life without your fat ass- on Instagram so she will know she means nothing to me.

What’s happening right now is that I will pick myself up every day , manually pull my chin up , look at myself in the mirror , look for my calzone heart in the toilet , shuv it back in and…. Move on.

Honestly I played OK by James blunt so many times now , Spotify is sending me emails , asking me if I am suicidal and if I need a private James Blunt concert.

This is all my fault so I should basically punch myself so hard, pass out and wake up 3months later when it is almost summer and I don’t know who she is , where I am and why out of the sudden I have a six pack and look like Charlize Theron. There is no one else to blame than me in all this , that’s why I am so mad. But you know what tall EU.. you have learned , you have died , you survived ( with 66 popped veins , 89 grey hairs and the whish of eternal pain ) AND F* you players 😉 out there.

Oh … ahhaha I am going out for dinner with friends tonight and snow shoeing tomorrow and guess who is in my close friend group.. HAHAHAHAHHAH. Told you I need my own TV Show. More like a horror episode this one.

Goodbye farewell

What am I doing ? Can someone please come and smack me in Vancouver please.

Call me a dork , a village idiot , a lesbian ogre with love issues. Give me a tequila shot and a head bang and tell me to stop this ridiculous fighting for an already discovered/explored straight star.

Holiday is over , she gave me a lot of attention, she is picking me up tomorrow night from the airport( her idea). BUT let’s not think what she is doing right now? Don’t think about it , let it go like Frozen sisters have never let their braids go. End of Jan my brains where perfectly  aligned with Venus. I was going to end it , and now I feel like the last smooched avocado below a pile of fresh new ones? Why ? Because I am not the only one travelling to the same star. It signed the contract in October and I really need to burn that letter and poor acid on it before I poop half of my love brains out.

Talking about starting your 30’s with half of your brain. Can’t wait it to be back in VC tho. Other than chasing cute straight blondes. The mountains are calling for this pale ass and they will give me the therapy I need right now. Lord I need to shave! Am I always the only one making a mini pre-sex planning ? Shaving must be done as latest as possible , hairs must be washed one day before , NOT the same day else you look like the Adams family with all that volume , perfume can not be added one hour before ( you don’t want to over perform )

Christ on a bike I need James Blunt

 

 

 

30!

30! … Unbelievably NOT enjoyable.

When I was 17 my friends and I were planning our future as teenage dirt bags on the school playground. I was off course still as deep as I could be in that big closet. Apparently good at playing straight games without Pinocchio noses as long as the latest NASA space shuttle. We all were married by the age of 30 with at least 1 ginger kid , or at least hippo minding pregnant , a successful carrier and we owned a house with our sugar daddy. HAHAHHAHAH honestly , was I high on spring flowers at the time ?! Did I marathon-eat 15 snickers at once ? Did I bump my head falling of school stairs to end up in my science teachers fat ass ?

Current situation when 30:

  • Single fucking with a straight mumma
  • Rent a bedroom in VC because apparently paradise house comes with getting married to a hairy-more-tits-than-me-olf-fart-rich-papa
  • Possible- could be -for sure- 963.3% chance- alcoholic
  • Hate kids ..no not hate…strongly dislike those little noisy trolls

The thing is … I KNEW THAT didn’t I ?! I knew I didn’t want penises nor kids nor a shortage of alcohol in my veins. So why am I still surprised with my situation? If I open facebook I feel like I am on Mardi gras diarea festival. My teenage dirt-bags friends pregnant , kids , houses in ugly EU with more depressive clouds than a FIFA game counts fallen expensive soccer players. I don’t want that and I stand up bumping my head on the way but I stand up and say Hella No Sista.

Give me mountains , ocean , oxygen , killer whales , hiking pain , fat calf’s , Canadian hangovers , passing out in comedy clubs , and friendly Canadians with blonde hairs and blue eyes.

Are we talking about the blonde one ? She likes me… I am not blind or dumb maybe naive but not blind. She gave me a lot of attention on my B day. No she doesn’t like me the way I like her…. (read) marry her next week on a pink pony wearing a bra. BUT she likes me more than …before. Am I playing hard to get ? Yes my Lord. Am I exhausted and do I want demolish my Iphone with laser pistols and cow turds… yes my Lord.  Am I going to get hurt and tortured like in Game of Thrones ? Yes my Lord. So I am dumb ?

Help me

I need my own TV show!

F9D4235E-B417-497B-B74D-611762A9F76BI really truly believe that if I would have my own Tv Show , the Kardashians would be working in Walmart by the end of the year cause I took all the numbers. Maybe Kim could work her way in Subway spreading too much guac on the Veggie delite.

I didn’t do it , didn’t I ? Don’t pull your eyeballs out yet, it’s all gravy. Nobody would have done it in your situation woman. My body is showing signs of extreme desperation and dehydration. Just went to the gym and the whole place smells like an exclusive 1988 Cabernet sauvignon, some people left the place drunk. Talking about taking everything out of your 20’s lifetime. It’s like I am rushing so hard because my lesbian life will end when I am 30 in a week. My place looks like a fa vela. Maybe I should ask discovery channel to document this so they don’t have to travel all the way to Brazil.

Can I rewind to episode 3.2 so I can defend myself why I didn’t end it ? What happens in VC will destroy me or build me. Like 89%-11% chance. We had a date! Yups , me and straight blonde. I wanted to be sharp so I gathered even more stupid brain cells and decided to not eat too much that day so I would look like a X-men that evening. I ate like cereal for breakfast and I don’t remember being hungry or eating something else for the rest of the day. Because you know , I was giving birth to my twin eggnog egg in my womb. So we checked in to the hotel , felt like a bursting corn on the cob. But you know, kept it together because I am professional and we needed to catch the comedy show. VODKA my old friend it was. After some glasses and a special chocolate we ended up in the comedy mix club. I grilled the poor woman like a roast on a hot summer evening. Asked stupid deep questions , donno what she replied but I liked it. Throughout the show I was fine! Yes I was! I mostly laughed because she did and she looked at me and my dental work.

Now it’s coming … after the show she went to the washroom and it took like forever yes , or maybe the chocolate thought it lasted forever. So she came back and basically I fainted …. roflmao! Off course I did, why would Murphy give me a free pass after NOT eating , being professional sexy and keeping it together for one day. I remember looking at her and mentioning I was dizzy. She gave me the scoop afterwards and I deserve 2 Emmy s and a Denzel Washington wink. The moment I stood up and told her I was dizzy , I fell back down on my seat like a bag a farmers potatoes , then fell on my knees praying for the Greek Gods to then starfish face front on a dirty peanut underground club. Yeah I did! #29yearoldgoals #dategoals. The waiters rushed to our marginal happening and called 911. I woke up and she had her cheesy nacho fingers in my mouth because tha club was thinking I had a seizure…. This all for real happened and I truly want prime time on CNN. I was so embarrassed and purple! Honestly why can’ t I just read Eat Pray Love and go to bed with a flannel pj at 9pm ? Any way it for sure was fun after this attraction. Like nothing happened and I could still be seen as a sexual homo sapien in the hotel room.

I am gay… let’s leave it there before this blog is being blocked.

The morning after ….I figured out I was still gay. We had a nice breakfast and rushed to work. I always asked her if we would be capable to try just sleeping together without ripping her clothes off like Jack the ripper after 2 glasses. So I spider webbed her to my place again Saturday night. Although gotta say I was TOAST. I was done , I need my sleep and this one put her body trough lots for a casual Friday. But she fell into my lesbian web and we watched a movie without touching each other. After watching her in a cute cosy PJ I knew I was ready for the arena again… please take that brain cell out and smash it into a club sandwich. I had a spoiled weekend with a ‘ straight’ woman who is looking for validation and a fun time while I am knitting my red wedding dress and practising professional wedding speeches.

Got to put this out there… sex is getting better with “das experiment” and she gives me more than our first kiss on the island.

Question of the day… could a straight divorced woman fall for a tall EU ? Can walls break after a solid amount of constructing and graffiti them ? Can 2 people people with the chemistry of butter on rye toast have sex without emotions ? And if not how can I find the appropriate friendly drug on which counter which will help this poor sad grape?

Night all you beautiful straight women out there.

 

What the AF ?

Do you know that feeling , when you take a step back and look at your life. Look at what you’ve become after 29 years. Look at your body , your friends , lifestyle. To be honest and not to brag, I would like what I see as an outsider. You would start thinking , that gal has it all figured out. She knows what she wants. She is confident , strong , ambitious, fit not ugly , … but most important… she lives.

All true true, yes. Woke up this morning and thought I was in the new James Cameron Avatar movie ? Honestly , the view that I have facing the North Shore of Van is disgusting. No , after one year this is not getting old and I am born for this. I am born for the OUTDOORS and the mountains , and the pain during hiking , biking , running. When you get a tall body you need to take advantage of that. You need to push it to higher levels than… the average global woman. Can’t wait until spring comes. Holy Maria in the club , I will make an OUTDOOR calendar if needed. 2018 could be the year I die on a Mountain. But it will be glorious.

I don’t want to go back to the blonde one..

Started the week good , I texted my friends that I am going to end my straight-lesbian-lovers-shrimp-affair before I go on my holiday next week! Super confident, have a whole plan in my head. What I am going to say , where , jada jada. IT’S THURSDAY AND I ALREADY HAVE 56 excuses not to end this. How weak is a brain in a body that strong ? Someone needs to lock me up and hit me with a pigeon. I am like the Pope when it comes to relationship advice to my friends. Someone told me for a 29 year old I have the mind of an old soul. Sometimes the tits too when laying on my left side. Scoop over and fall off the sofa Oprah. Go and hit the spa Dr Phil , I got this. But I am the worst of taking care of my own scrambled eggs in my head. As if Hurricane Murphy can hit me harder… woke up this morning… as a 29 year old with my second period of the Month ?! Is this normal for moose lesbian on the loose ? I don’t believe in God , I DON’T , never did , never will. But if there is one , she is for sure gay as hell and punishing me right now. Why I am flipping like a dolphin in Florida ? I booked a hotel tomorrow night didn’t I ? The blonde one and I are going out downtown and yes we booked a hotel. Correct I did off course, horny dork that I am. Like it ’s not bad enough being born gay , for all the straight people out there , we have to deal with 2 periods a month as a couple and if you are not synchronized you only have 2 weeks of ‘so you think you can scissor’ a Month! Think about that #howbowda ? I listened to OK from Robin Schultz & James Blunt 16 times this morning during running and after. I know I know James Blunt lol , lmao , roflmao , but euuuh I like this jam. You have to give it to him , he is funny! He copes with the best negative feedback ever. It’s gonna be OK in my ears for the whole morning. How convenient and thoughtful from Spotify. One day I will read all this and smack my computer howling. But not now , now I am on the edge of becoming 30 in a week , a sporty alcoholic , who falls for the most impossible women. Feels like the gladiator sometimes. Like I am standing in the middle of a dusty dry arena and everybody is watching me and I am just holding on and wait what is going to come out of those gates. With the only difference with Russel Crowe that I signed up online to be tortured in that arena and being beaten up , torn apart , losing my head , 2 ribs , 5 front teeth , a bra and maybe a precious earring. But I would wear that skirt yes I would Russel.

I am at my third coffee so I might brake my steering wheel driving to work in one hour.

Kay , another 28 hours before my EU lips kiss straight Canadian ones and I leave planet Earth a little. Hold on heart vain , I need that pump for another 30 lesbian years. And will you please shut the f* up and dry up somewhere womb. Honesty , get a life. robinschulz-jamesblunt-ok